Back with Insomnia

Saturday was my birthday. It was a nice day, a really good day. My husband A was an angel.

Starting out with an amazing breakfast, inspired by Nate 'n Al's in LA. Then at the evening we went to Amsterdam having dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe & finally we went for dessert to the airport to get some Frappucino's at Starbucks. There is no Starbucks in the Netherlands only at the airport.

Some other good news: my brother called on my birthday. I was so relieved. This means that he made an efford to understand my point of view. I know that he still doesn't understand, but at least he took the high road. I was just so relieved that he didn't act like my parents. They always just stopped talking to me if I shared my feeling with them.

Also good news, my shrink is finally better. I am not mad at her anymore. But still I need my sessions. I will see her friday.

I went to the psychiatrist today. Told her that I was feeling very confused about my family and the image they have of me. She told me that I have to let them go. It is hard, she understands that but still nessecary. You know, everytime I tell people or doctors about my family I can see at their faces that they are in shock. In shock that parents can emotionally be so hurtfull to a child since the day she was born. I know I'm not the only one, unfortunatly. But it always takes a while for them to respond.

And to think that I justed to find the way my family treated me "normal". But how was I supposed to know, I was born into the situation.

My insomnia is also back & I am sick. Really sick, I got the flu again. It is getting worse by the minute. I have to stay in bed again. I hate the bed. Bad memories. Everything is now going pretty OK & I am still sick.

Is GOD saying something to me? If yes, well then what is it??!! I rest, I eat well, take in my vitamins. What is it? My psychiatrist thinks it's because of the insomnia. She gave me some sleeping pills. Just for a few days. I will take them in tonight.

I hope I will sleep well.


Photo: Nicole Patricia Malina