Heart beat

Well as always when I have my ups, I soon get my downs.

This friday I was sitting behind the computer when all of a sudden my heart started to go faster. I know that that can happen, only in my case I get scared.

In the past I have used a lot of drugs. It started with soft drugs & then came the hard drugs. I am happy to say that it has been over 3 years since I last used drugs. But when my heart starts beating faster, the memory of my drugs past comes back. Because when i did hard drugs my heart would beat faster, my skin felt delicate & warm. So that's why when my heart starts to beat faster I get scared.

I don't want that feeling anymore. So I try not to give in (I know, how is that possible?). So I start to think. That's my greatest problem I think too much. I think to myself, what was the cause, what happened?

I felt fine, until my heart started to beat faster, faster & faster. I can not sleep (AGAIN!). I feel miserable. But mostly I feel lonely.

I miss my father & mother. I wish I could forgive them, but I can't. Not yet.

Je suis jolie

Thank God for sleeping pills! I have had a great goodnight rest this past week. I feel better, stronger & more energized.

I have been working for my company, been to the movies (The Dark Knight big thumbs up!), my brother called to check in on me. I feel peace in my body. I feel great.

I also got some sweet emails from people all around the world saying sweet things about me.

I am inspired & ready to live. I know I am not cured, but it still feels nice knowing that you are doing it for something. For yourself and God will reward you for that.

Back with Insomnia

Saturday was my birthday. It was a nice day, a really good day. My husband A was an angel.

Starting out with an amazing breakfast, inspired by Nate 'n Al's in LA. Then at the evening we went to Amsterdam having dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe & finally we went for dessert to the airport to get some Frappucino's at Starbucks. There is no Starbucks in the Netherlands only at the airport.

Some other good news: my brother called on my birthday. I was so relieved. This means that he made an efford to understand my point of view. I know that he still doesn't understand, but at least he took the high road. I was just so relieved that he didn't act like my parents. They always just stopped talking to me if I shared my feeling with them.

Also good news, my shrink is finally better. I am not mad at her anymore. But still I need my sessions. I will see her friday.

I went to the psychiatrist today. Told her that I was feeling very confused about my family and the image they have of me. She told me that I have to let them go. It is hard, she understands that but still nessecary. You know, everytime I tell people or doctors about my family I can see at their faces that they are in shock. In shock that parents can emotionally be so hurtfull to a child since the day she was born. I know I'm not the only one, unfortunatly. But it always takes a while for them to respond.

And to think that I justed to find the way my family treated me "normal". But how was I supposed to know, I was born into the situation.

My insomnia is also back & I am sick. Really sick, I got the flu again. It is getting worse by the minute. I have to stay in bed again. I hate the bed. Bad memories. Everything is now going pretty OK & I am still sick.

Is GOD saying something to me? If yes, well then what is it??!! I rest, I eat well, take in my vitamins. What is it? My psychiatrist thinks it's because of the insomnia. She gave me some sleeping pills. Just for a few days. I will take them in tonight.

I hope I will sleep well.


Photo: Nicole Patricia Malina

Dazed & Confused

Feeling very confused today. My last session with my therapiste was 1 month ago. She is still sick. Today she canceled the session again.

I really need to talk to somebody. I feel sick again. My body is aiching.
I'm a little bit mad at my therapiste. She suggested that I should tell my feeling to my brother. I warned her by saying that I had done this many times before and that it always turned out to be a disapointment. She said that someone in our relationship should be the adult. The moment she said that I was really mad and didn't feel understood. All my life my family has told me that I should be the adult, I always had to apologize because I was the adult. They could go their way with me and say whatever they want to me, but I had to be the adult and suck it all in. God, I feel like a fool for listening to my therapiste. Now, I have completely shut down. I won't let anyone in.

At this moment I don't excist to the world. I haven't got contact with anyone. I don't look at people and definitly don't want to talk to people.

I'm just mad. Especially at myself for listening to her. I wish I listened to my husband. Don't pay any attention to them. You have done enough for them.

But I'm really mad because I'm getting some nice job offers for some fashion shoots and I don't want to talk to those people. They haven't done anything, I know! It's just that I am so afraid that I don't live up to their expectations. The crazy thing is that I recently have prayed to God for some job offers, cathing up with old friends & for some fun and excitment in my life. And now people are calling me, I'm getting job offers and I don't want that because I'm feeling depressed!
I don't want to sound like I'm not thankfull for these things now in my life, but I feel that I'm not ready. Not now, not yet. If it happenend a month ago, things would be different. I was fine then. I was finally starting to feel like myself for the first time in my whole life. And then I made a mistake, big mistake.

I don't know what to do, I feel all dazed & confused.

And Saturday is my birthday, that won't make things better as well.




Photo: Jan Kaar

My super sweet birthdays

Well, the insomnia is gone. I am sleeping. Boy, am I sleeping! It's quite funny. Now I am tired of sleeping.



But no complaints here.



I meditated today. It has been quite a while (maybe 1 month). Started slowly. It was nice. I was calm & relaxed today. But I am still not happy. Why? Well, this Saturday is my birthday and I never really had a nice birthday. When I was a child I would always have an argument with my mother on my birthday. I remember one time, my father asked me where I would like to eat on my birthday. I was really into Mexican food that time, so I said Mexican, please. My mother immediatly said that she didn't like Mexican food and that I was being selfish. After a big argument we still went to the Mexican restaurant, but she refused to speak or even look at me. I remember that she really hurt my feelings. Ever since that incident I wanted to have BIG parties on my birthday. But not for me, no it was to please other people. First I wanted to show everybody that I had a lot of "friends". So I invited everybody I knew. Well, only one or two people showed up (besides the family). But it didn't stop there. I wanted to show them that I wasn't selfish. I would please them, making them dinner & snacks (things they like). But deep in my heart I just want to be by myself with the person I love the most. My husband A.



I guess that's why I've been having trouble sleeping these past few weeks. My birthday. I am also dreading that day, because I don't know if my brother will call me.



I recently told my brother that I felt that he wasn't there for me. He basically forgets everything that has to do with me. He forgets me. He only calls when he feels like it or when he has issues. I have never been able to tell him my issues with this illness. So I told him that very clamly. He said that he has got no time for me, because he has his own problems. All I want is just for him to listen to me. But unfortunatly he doesn't. I told him that I will not be calling him every week just to check on him. Now he had to call me and check on me. As I suspected he didn't understand me and assumed that I didn't want to have contact with him at all. I had to call him when I wasn't acting crazy. Again, he didn't listen.



I have expressed my feelings to my family a lot of times for many years, but everytime I do that they make me feel like I'm worthless. I have been called: crazy, manipulative, liar, stupid, difficult, you name it...

That's why I don't express my feeling to anyone. I know that it is not my fault & that I am a good person. But now that my birthday is coming I feel worthless again. I can't help it. I think about all the things my family has called me.



I know that God loves me & that He has a bigger plan for me, but all I want is for my family to love me for who I am.

Photo: Li Goa

I'm still alive

I was nervous today. I don't now why, because I had a really nice day today. It was relaxed. My husband and I had lunch ,that wasn't a big suc6 (lousy food & bad service). But no reason to ruin my day. We went to a beautiful forest with the dog, took a long walk there. My husband A was doing most of the talking. He is starting his own business as well. So times are very exciting now. Independence, freedom & passion are the key words in our career now.

It funny that A & I are so much alike. If you saw us you wouldn't say it. I am very small, petite & very calm. He is tall, broad posture & very outspoken. Well, they say that opposites attract.

But as A was talking about his plans I started to feel nervous. You know, that funny feeling you get when you get nervous or anxious about something. Well I had that today. Not in a "Oh my god, what's going to happen" kind of way. I was just really excited like a kid. My mind was telling me that it's going to happen. I don't know when, but I feel that we will have success in our business & in life. This feeling made me excited like a little girl.

I had those feelings before a long time ago. In my days when I was a ballet dancer. I remember I was already accepted to the Ballet Academy & I had to wait half a year to get my schedule to start my first year at the Academy. I had the same feeling like today every day for 6 months. Everyday waiting for the mail to come. My god, what was I excited! It made me feel alive. Made me forget the problems I had at that time. I know it maybe sounds stupid, but those moments I just felt happy. And I don't have had a lot of happy moments in my life. But those 6 months waiting to start doing the thing that I loved the most at that time, I will never forget it. Because no one could take that away from me. I had done this all by myself. I had achieved my goal.

Something about that feeling in my stomach today made me realize that I am going to achieve my goal again. But I have a lot of goals. So which goal it's going to be, I don't know. I recently made a list for myself I would like to achieve in my life. Things I want to do or see or learn in my life. Those things show me that life is beautiful & worth living. What those things are I will keep to myself for now. If I achieve them I will let you know. But I have to tell you, it's a long list :D .

It has been a while but today I felt live inside me.



Photo Zink Magazine

Insomnia

Today I feel tired. I can't seem to sleep for a couple of weeks now. And if I do sleep I wake up every few hours due to nightmares.

I can't think. I can't seem to clear my mind.

Unfortunatly I am also very sick. I have the flu as well. Now I have to stay in bed. I have worked for 2 years not to stay in bed and now I have to stay in bed & rest. But if I rest I start to think (and I think a lot). My mind starts working like a rollercoaster. Falling down, doing flips & I can't seem to stop that rollercoaster. I can't meditate, read & sleep. I just lie here & think.

When I was in high school a teacher once told that people that have a high IQ think so much that some of them go crazy. They just stay in their thoughts and don't come back to the real world. I know the feeling. Wouldn't it be great if my min is just blank for one hour? No worries, no figuring out stuff. Just be in the moment. But to do that I at least have to have a good night rest.

Why can't I sleep? I'm trying to figure that out, but I can't because of the rollercoaster in my head. I'm so tired. I really want to sleep.

All I do is just stare at my laptop. Just stare....

I go to websites & blogs of my "former" friends & family members and see that they live. They live life. I want to live life. I don't want to stay in bed my whole life. I want to achieve something. I want to make a difference in this world. I am jealous of them. They are not sick. They don't have a mental illness. At this moment I am really feeling sorry for myself. Today is a bad day. But I need to have faith. God will guide me through this & will make me live life again. And maybe one day I won't be feeling sorry for myself.

Photo I-D Magazine