Dazed & Confused

Feeling very confused today. My last session with my therapiste was 1 month ago. She is still sick. Today she canceled the session again.

I really need to talk to somebody. I feel sick again. My body is aiching.
I'm a little bit mad at my therapiste. She suggested that I should tell my feeling to my brother. I warned her by saying that I had done this many times before and that it always turned out to be a disapointment. She said that someone in our relationship should be the adult. The moment she said that I was really mad and didn't feel understood. All my life my family has told me that I should be the adult, I always had to apologize because I was the adult. They could go their way with me and say whatever they want to me, but I had to be the adult and suck it all in. God, I feel like a fool for listening to my therapiste. Now, I have completely shut down. I won't let anyone in.

At this moment I don't excist to the world. I haven't got contact with anyone. I don't look at people and definitly don't want to talk to people.

I'm just mad. Especially at myself for listening to her. I wish I listened to my husband. Don't pay any attention to them. You have done enough for them.

But I'm really mad because I'm getting some nice job offers for some fashion shoots and I don't want to talk to those people. They haven't done anything, I know! It's just that I am so afraid that I don't live up to their expectations. The crazy thing is that I recently have prayed to God for some job offers, cathing up with old friends & for some fun and excitment in my life. And now people are calling me, I'm getting job offers and I don't want that because I'm feeling depressed!
I don't want to sound like I'm not thankfull for these things now in my life, but I feel that I'm not ready. Not now, not yet. If it happenend a month ago, things would be different. I was fine then. I was finally starting to feel like myself for the first time in my whole life. And then I made a mistake, big mistake.

I don't know what to do, I feel all dazed & confused.

And Saturday is my birthday, that won't make things better as well.




Photo: Jan Kaar