My super sweet birthdays

Well, the insomnia is gone. I am sleeping. Boy, am I sleeping! It's quite funny. Now I am tired of sleeping.



But no complaints here.



I meditated today. It has been quite a while (maybe 1 month). Started slowly. It was nice. I was calm & relaxed today. But I am still not happy. Why? Well, this Saturday is my birthday and I never really had a nice birthday. When I was a child I would always have an argument with my mother on my birthday. I remember one time, my father asked me where I would like to eat on my birthday. I was really into Mexican food that time, so I said Mexican, please. My mother immediatly said that she didn't like Mexican food and that I was being selfish. After a big argument we still went to the Mexican restaurant, but she refused to speak or even look at me. I remember that she really hurt my feelings. Ever since that incident I wanted to have BIG parties on my birthday. But not for me, no it was to please other people. First I wanted to show everybody that I had a lot of "friends". So I invited everybody I knew. Well, only one or two people showed up (besides the family). But it didn't stop there. I wanted to show them that I wasn't selfish. I would please them, making them dinner & snacks (things they like). But deep in my heart I just want to be by myself with the person I love the most. My husband A.



I guess that's why I've been having trouble sleeping these past few weeks. My birthday. I am also dreading that day, because I don't know if my brother will call me.



I recently told my brother that I felt that he wasn't there for me. He basically forgets everything that has to do with me. He forgets me. He only calls when he feels like it or when he has issues. I have never been able to tell him my issues with this illness. So I told him that very clamly. He said that he has got no time for me, because he has his own problems. All I want is just for him to listen to me. But unfortunatly he doesn't. I told him that I will not be calling him every week just to check on him. Now he had to call me and check on me. As I suspected he didn't understand me and assumed that I didn't want to have contact with him at all. I had to call him when I wasn't acting crazy. Again, he didn't listen.



I have expressed my feelings to my family a lot of times for many years, but everytime I do that they make me feel like I'm worthless. I have been called: crazy, manipulative, liar, stupid, difficult, you name it...

That's why I don't express my feeling to anyone. I know that it is not my fault & that I am a good person. But now that my birthday is coming I feel worthless again. I can't help it. I think about all the things my family has called me.



I know that God loves me & that He has a bigger plan for me, but all I want is for my family to love me for who I am.

Photo: Li Goa