Heart beat

Well as always when I have my ups, I soon get my downs.

This friday I was sitting behind the computer when all of a sudden my heart started to go faster. I know that that can happen, only in my case I get scared.

In the past I have used a lot of drugs. It started with soft drugs & then came the hard drugs. I am happy to say that it has been over 3 years since I last used drugs. But when my heart starts beating faster, the memory of my drugs past comes back. Because when i did hard drugs my heart would beat faster, my skin felt delicate & warm. So that's why when my heart starts to beat faster I get scared.

I don't want that feeling anymore. So I try not to give in (I know, how is that possible?). So I start to think. That's my greatest problem I think too much. I think to myself, what was the cause, what happened?

I felt fine, until my heart started to beat faster, faster & faster. I can not sleep (AGAIN!). I feel miserable. But mostly I feel lonely.

I miss my father & mother. I wish I could forgive them, but I can't. Not yet.